Pretty sure you all are aware of what a tried and true optimist I am. I make attempts at keeping balanced, but when push comes to shove I always err on the sunny side of life. Even now, at my most frustrated, I still have hope that they’ll turn this thing around and turn into the team that we all envisioned at the start of the year.
This team stinks right now and I think this is the perfect time to pull out the old Festivus tradition of Airing of Grievances (thanks Costanza family).
Back in the day I used to do one of these articles every year. Seemed like a good time to bring it back.
I’ve got a LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! And now you’re gonna hear about it.
Starting with you Brad Stevens. (quiet voice) You say you want the team to show toughness and effort, then you trot out the same rotations again. (shouting) YOU WANT TOUGHNESS? START SMART, MORRIS, OJELEYE, AND BAYNES! Throw Timelord out there and tell him to hunt blocks like kills in Fortnite. Throw at least 2 of them at the other team’s leading scorer until he crumples up into a ball and cries for mercy. Bench everyone else for a whole quarter then make them run full court press when they finally get back in. Nobody gets playing time unless they win a starring contest with Jay Larrañaga. Go full Mad Brad and get ejected in the first 2 minutes of the game. You wanna get nuts (breaks vase with fire poker) LET’S GET NUTS!
Jaylen Brown, your defining characteristic is that you fear no moment but you’re thinking too much on the court. Read The Art of War and Machiavelli before the game then shut that enormous brain down for a couple of hours and just attack, react, attack, react, and destroy. Head down, straight ahead, hurt that rim like it stole your short shorts. No three pointers till you’ve dunked on all 5 starters on the other team.
Terry Rozier, you bigtime now right? Got your own shoe deal now. Ready to cash in that check this offseason, right? Maybe start playing like you deserve that bank. Maybe contribute to winning a Championship first. Or you know, you could just content yourself with being an albatross contract on a perennial lottery team for the next 4 years. Your call.
(Dangles gold pocket watch, swings it back and forth) Gordon Hayward, you are getting sleepy, very sleepy, when I count down to 1 you will be fully relaxed, 3, 2, 1… You’ve never been injured in your whole life. You’ve got the strongest limbs in the league. When you drive into the lane, no 2 players can stop you from getting to the rim. Attack.
Jayson Tatum, we’re running a new drill in practice today. The normal court has been replaced by a special design. The painted area is normal, the area outside the 3 point arc is normal, everything else is burning coals. Yeah, we know you can create your own isolation shot from 20 feet away any time you want. You’ve got that in your bag of tricks. Great. Put that in your back pocket and save it for when the shot clock is down to 5. Or maybe July.
All of you need to forget everything you read and heard in the preseason. Don’t read me on CelticsBlog saying you are better than this. You are what your record is. Other teams’ fans are giddy that you are struggling. The world wants you to fail. Nobody believes in you anymore. It is you against the world. PROVE. THEM. WRONG.
Happy Festivus, time for Feats of Strength.